Poet who doesn't know her worth
Ernest Hemingway spent much of his time writing about how to write, and most of what he said was pretentious rubbish, and needed a Gerald Ratner to tell him so.

Stop the world and we'll all get off
Did you know that this planet of ours rotates at a speed of 1,000 miles an hour? This ought to mean that if you jump very high in the air and live in Wolverhampton, you should land in Birmingham.

Spam slices for roof tiles
This month, Spam is 50 years old. Happy birthday, Spam. The makers of this extraordinary stuff, A Hormel and Company, of Minnesota, are organising Spam contests to mark the occasion, and this seems fitting.

Waiting in vain for magic book
Child Benefit works like this: you have a baby and The State gives you £7 a week for the next 16 years. Money for old rope.

He who believes proverbs is mad
One of the more ridiculous aspects of human nature is our readiness to believe proverbs, most of which are lies or incomprehensible.

What's anti-social about not liking people?
One of the great drawbacks of this time of year is the danger of meeting new people.

Searching the skies for con-trick
My wife and I were standing out in the freezing cold, searching the night sky with binoculars and getting stiff necks when, quite suddenly, it struck me.

Who could like rabbit that much?
Excuse me, but a man was found dead at the weekend, wedged head-first up to his waist in a rabbit warren.

One foot in the city, one in manure
Well, good evening, my dearios. Strip my willow, wozzle my thrussocks and stand by with the Kleenex; we may need them later.

Let's celebrate our Britishness
I see the North Korean leader Kim II Sung has gone to the great asylum in the sky, which is a pity, really.

Leeds are in the Daley chase
Aston Villa have jumped to the head of the queue in the chase for Wolves' unsettled midfield star Steve Daley.